she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
