I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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