On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
