you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I love you. Go after that dick
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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