i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
