you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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