You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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