I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
