its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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