I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
