one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
