You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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