theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
