and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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