dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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