Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
