Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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