I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
