I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
there is glitter all over my balls
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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