woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
