How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
