i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
