I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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