I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
