it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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