i love accidental penises.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
COCAINE IS GR8
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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