you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
