I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
barbara walters just said penis...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
