make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
