I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
