i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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