apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
then he tried to convert me to islam
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
