dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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