My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
