cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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