My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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