That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
