Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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