I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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