Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
