3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
