My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
