The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You took a bar mat shot.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Blow job season was short but glorious.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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