I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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