my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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