I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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