Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
