I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
