well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
