also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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