Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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