if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
