I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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