Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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